36 week update

Throughout this pregnancy, I have set milestones for myself, dates to get past when the baby would be viable, healthy etc.  I remember hoping that we’d get past our anniversary on August 19^th, then my best friend’s kids birthdays on September 6^th, my mom arriving a few days later.  I thought it would be cool to have the baby on 10-10-10 but never thought that would be possible.  That would mean we made it to 36 weeks 5 days.  No possible way.  My doctor was hoping to get us to 32 weeks.  Well, here we are, that beautiful date has arrived and the bun is still in the oven and is not coming out today.  I know that should be a good thing but for the last 6 weeks my doctor keeps telling me that if we can make it 1 or 2 more weeks, they will go ahead and take the baby.  She said I would not under any circumstances go past 36 weeks, then it was 37 weeks, last visit it was 38 weeks.  For being so cramped in there with half a uterus, this little one doesn’t want to join the world.  We did the steroid shots a month ago to get the lungs ready, now are just waiting for it to put on weight.  It’s only in the 5 percentile for weight, sometimes 10 is the doctor stretches the measurements.  Maybe it knows that its mother is a little freaked out by this whole thing.  I mean you try so long to get pregnant, put your body through so much to get to this point but for some reason I can’t wrap my mind around being a mom.  Stupid I know.  The first time I got pregnant, I felt such a connection to the child, a child that wasn’t even there but for that month that I thought there was a baby inside me, not just an empty sac, I felt so connected.  When I had to have a D&C I was devastated and it took me so long to get over it.  The second time I was pregnant, I didn’t let myself get attached, I was too scared.  The same goes for this pregnancy.  I’ve kept my distance emotionally out of fear that something will go wrong.  I hate that.  I feel bad about it, like I have been or am robbing myself from this beautiful experience but I am just scared.  I know that for having a unicorn uterus, I have done exceptionally well and am lucky but until I see a healthy baby I will unfortunately remain sceptical.  Am I crazy, maybe or maybe people who suffer miscarriages and fertility problems all fact these fears.

Another doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  Hope it goes well.