Half Way There

On Tuesday, June 15th we officially made it to 20 weeks. That’s ½ to full term and 12 weeks away from our minimum of 32 week goal. While we are thrilled to have made it this far, the day before we were very rudely reminded that we are not in the clear. We were scheduled for a doctor’s appointment on Wed. but on Monday I didn’t feel well all day and by the time my husband came home I was in pain so he called the doctor and off we went.
Thankfully the baby still looks good and my cervix is still long (4cm) and didn’t move when the doctor pushed on the top of my uterus. She thinks I had a contraction and put me on magnesium to help prevent more. So far so good. She also told me to modify my diet as it could have been a digestive problem. I’m suppose to eat sick people’s food (boiled chicken, pasta, rice etc.) no salad which stinks because it is the one thing I really crave. I didn’t have a little last night I have to admit.

This little scare taught me that I shouldn’t get excited about the milestones as the end of the 1st trimester brought spotting, a blood clot, a night in the clinic and a week of bed rest. So, we will just be thankful for everyday we make it through and continue to pray that we will be blessed with a healthy little one at the end of this.

I want to send a thank you out into the universe to my husband for all his support through this journey. While he doesn’t have to undergo the physical aspects of it, like me, he has gone through the emotional side of it and lived through the daily joys, trials and tribulations. Not to mention becoming a pseudo-nurse in the process and taking on most of the everyday household chores. I think that the toll a pregnancy takes on the husband is often overlooked and when combined with infertility and all that goes along with it that toll is much, much larger. Those of you who have been through this know what I am talking about and know that unless you've been through this you can't completely understand it. So, a very special and big thank you to him! I am a very lucky lady.

Here are the latest pictures but given that I was very uncomfortable when the doctor was doing the ultrasound (s) she got only the info she needed and didn’t stick around to try to get the best shot.  We forgot to ask for them for the last 2 ultrasounds.

Kicking

My husband felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday (19 weeks and 5 days).  It was very exciting.  Tomorrow we hit the 20 week mark.  Halfway there and 12 weeks away from our minimum goal of 32 weeks.   Our 20 week ultrasound is scheduled for Wed.  Can't wait!  Praying everything is still going well in there.

The Green Eyed Monster

I am a little embarrassed to admit this but I think getting it off my chest will make me feel better. Hopefully if others feel the same way, they will know they aren’t alone.

My brother has 2 children, a 7 year old from a girlfriend who would become his wife for a short time. And a 2 year old that he conceived less than two months after getting married. His second wife has wanted another child for awhile but my brother has been content. As I have been going through my infertility test and treatments I have secretly hoped that she wouldn’t become pregnant until I did. I didn’t think I could handle it. Apparently my brother has gotten all of the fertile genes in the family and my parents were all out when they made me. I know that’s stupid but I feel that way sometimes. He’s one of those people who says, let’s have a kid and bam 9 months later one pops out. Or in the case of his first, doesn’t wear protection and has the same result.

My brother called last week and I jokingly said something about him having another kid. He replied that his wife wanted one so sooner or later she would get it. I said not to wait too long, he’s not getting any younger (he’ll be 39 in Dec). So, Wednesday I called my sister in law for her birthday to find out that she is 7 ½ weeks pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for her but I am jealous. She’s on vacation, she got to fly there, she’s still having the occasional cocktail and living life as normal. The only medicine she’s on is prenatal vitamins, I’m on a cocktail of 49 pills a day and this is a drastic decrease from what it was 2 weeks ago (that will be another blog). Might I also add that my brother travels all the time for work and is only home for a few nights a week so it’s not like they are home trying a lot. Once again, the fertile member of the family strikes again.
When we went to the dr. at about 10 weeks, my husband asked “So, she’ll be out of the woods after 12 weeks right” and the dr. laughed and said, she’ll never be out of the woods. My lovely unicorn uterus doesn’t afford me the luxury to every settle into this pregnancy and be confident that it will result in a baby. I feel sort of robbed of that joy. I can’t travel back to the States to see my family or for anywhere for that matter, there is already talk of bed rest starting in 3 weeks, I still check the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom (which is quite often) to make sure nothing is there and have been banned from sex and any type of exercise for my entire pregnancy. My best friend who went through multiple failed IUIs before conceiving twins with IVF told me yesterday that she had the same feeling so maybe it’s an infertility thing compounded by my unicorn uterus.
I don’t want to be jealous but I am. I wish that at 7 ½ weeks I just assumed that everything would be fine and I’d have a healthy baby. I wish I felt like that at 19 ½ weeks. Instead I worry about another miscarriage, preterm labor and the rest of it.

So if you are an infertile like me and still find yourself jealous of those people who can get pregnant at the blink of an eye and not worry about their pregnancy, know you are not alone.  You can keep telling the green eyed monster to hit the road but I don't think it will every completly go away.

What do you say...?

For the first time yesterday, someone I just met asked me if I was pregnant. Yea! I guess I'm finally showing. But her first question was, is this your first? What do you say to this? It's the first time I've gotten this far? Yes, it’s my first? No, I had two miscarriages? Saying it's my first seems wrong but why do I want to discuss my miscarriages with complete strangers? What's the proper protocol here? Any suggestions?

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

Yesterday I finally broke down and went shopping for some new over the shoulder boulder holder. Not as easy as it would be back home in the States as I never quite know where to go, if the person helping me will speak English. One thing I do know for certain is that buying a bra here means you will get felt up by the clerk. Happened to me the first time I came here 9 years ago and wanted one of those bras with clear straps. So my then boyfriends mom took me shopping. In the middle of the department store, two clerks (one was her cousin) felt me up to determine my bra size. I kid you not. They were all speaking Greek so I had no idea what was going on. I just stood there. I had only met my now mother in law a couple of days earlier and the other women were strangers.  

Last week, my MIL took me maternity shopping. We looked for bathing suits where once again I got felt up. Not out in the open this time, in the dressing room. The clerk reached right inside the bathing suits and moved my boobs around. I didn’t buy anything that day because 1. the bathing suits made me look like a porn star  and 2. the top cost about $100.

I was so uncomfortable at work yesterday that I kept undoing my bra in the bak.  As soon I left, I went bra/bathing suit shopping. The good news is the clerk spoke English, was very helpful, I got good prices and while I got felt up, it wasn’t quite as invasive as last time. Bad news is that b/c of my giant chest, I didn’t have a lot of choice in bathing suits but at least I got one that fits! 

I have gone from a C to an E cup. Yep, up 3 sizes and I think they are still growing. Pretty soon I will need a real bolder holder. I told my mom we could use my bra as a tent for the baby when it is born it’s so big. Dolly Parton has nothing on me.

Is that our little one?

If I have a unicorn uterus and am missing the left side of my uterus, why do the movements that I think are the baby on that side? The movements are about an inch above my pubic hair line and a about 2 inches off center (on the non uterus side).  Any suggestion?s  Is it not my baby?  It doesn't feel like round ligament pain at all but king of little jabs, they are a little painful and stop me in my tracks.  Some of them feel quite low like they are in my cervix.  I don't have gas and actually went to the bathroom today so I don't think it's that either.  It's only 12pm and I've already had two full trays of ice and there is a lot of movement.  After some research I found out that ice water wakes up the little one.  Go figure.  You think I would have put two and two together but pregnancy brain has kicked in full force. 

What do you think?  Could my half uterus be off center by that much?  Is it not the baby?