BFN

Unfortunately we got a BFN result on Saturday.  We were out at lunch with my daughter and a few few friends and their kids and my daughters Godfather.  Her Godfather is also going through IVF and got a positive result a few days earlier with a low beta and had been getting it checked every day.  It was 6, 16, 25 and she was waiting for the call from her doctor.  She came back to the table so excited because it had increased to 36.  I was very happy for her (but a little concerned abut the low beta).  Then about 20 minutes later, my dreadful call came.  The good news is that I was able to pig up my beautiful daughter again, something I hadn't done during the 2ww and it felt amazing.  I am trying to stay busy and not get too worked up though it is hard.  The doctor wants to try a natural cycle IVF next time.  We will take a month off and then start up again.  Better luck next time, right?

Back on the IVF train

Yes, I am a very bad blogger.  I am happy to see that many of the people I followed before are doing so well. 

My daughter is doing great, she will be 2 on the 16th.  Where does the time go?  She is such a joy.  I am very blessed to have her in our lives.

We have been trying since January to get pregnant.  I have consistently had cyst on both ovaries (1-3 inches) and it kept being put off.  We did go through with IVF in April and got negative results.  I had surgery the following month to let my doctor check things out again and she didn't see any problems.  She thought there might be scar tissue from the C Section or the myloma I had taken out after my daughters birth (a story for another day).

We are currently trying again.  I am 10 days past a 3 day transfer and go in for my blood test tomorrow.  My eggs have gone dramatically downhill in the last 2 years and I know longer have excellent eggs but failing ones.  We were able to get 10 last time, 5 fertilized but only one was good enough to transfer at day 3 (8 cell fractured).  Our fingers are crossed but we'll just wait and see.  In the meantime I'm going to continue to hold onto hope and count my blessings for my little girl.  I know how lucky I am.

Happy Valentine's Day...Happy Meet Your Mommy Day!!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day or as I like to now refer to it as Meet Your Mommy Day.  It was one year ago yesterday that Lambchop made her way from the petri dish to my uterus (well half uterus).  I am so thankful for the last year, while it had it's ups and downs the end result was wonderful.  It was also four years ago yesterday that we found out my first pregnancy was a blighted ovum and not viable.  We had a D&C on the 16th of Feb. which is also going to be the 4 month birthday of our little girl.  We now have something to celebrate on those days.  What a blessing!

Sleeping

The last few days I swear Lamb Chop has grown up, not just grown.  She can put her self to sleep with out crying. I no longer have to hold her until she is in a deep sleep then put her in her bed.  This shaves so much time off my middle of the night feedings.  She also watches her mobile intently, plays by herself and looks deeply into your eyes.  She is adorable.

We also went to the doctor today for our 6 week check up.  She is doing well.  She's now 9lb 11 oz and 21.2 inches long.  Both these measurements are a little below the normal on the chart but her BMI is way over average.  It's so strange that this little girl who wasn't on the charts for anything when she was born is now not only pushing her way onto them but is going to the upper extremes on one.

Every day is getting better and better as well.  I love to see her grow, change and ger more interactive.  I can't wait to see what the next couple of weeks bring.

What a difference a year makes

I am so thankful this year.  I can't believe how far we have come since last Thanksgiving.  Words cannot express all that I am thankful for.  Even though we aren't in the States for Thanksgiving this year, we are having a mini, mock celebration with my husband, mom and Lamb Chop. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  I hope you have a great one.

Lamb Chop

Here is a picture of Lamb Chop at one week old.  Notice the side burns that go all the way down her cheeks and that there is no distinguishable line between her eyebrow and hair line.  Not only that but the poor kid has some hair on her cheek, back, legs etc.  Some of it is falling out, there is now a little space between her eyebrow and hair line but the other day my mom was changing her diaper and the light caught her leg just right and you could see all the hair.  How young is too young for laser hair removal?  Just kidding, no need to call Social Services.  Despite being hairy, she's a beautiful baby.  In my opinion the most beautiful but I am a little biased.  Still can't believe she came from us.  I also can't believe how different she looks from this picture.  What a difference a month makes!

The other side of the story

Over the last for years, 3 pregnancies, countless attempts to get pregnant and finally having a pregnancy that stuck, my husband and I have called our unborn child/children/attempted children Attachie. It started innocently enough when we first started trying to conceive and he would talk to my stomach and tell the egg and sperm to attach to my uterus. The name stuck to the point that I still call our daughter Attachie half the time or that's what I think of her in my head. My husband said that it still fits her now because we are attached to her now. Something we didn't really let happen throughout the pregnancy and in my case the 1st month of her life as I was still scared that something would happen. Stupid I know but I think that others in the IF world know what I am talking about. The bonding has finally happened, thankfully and I can't remember a time without her.


This post was suppose to talk about our new nickname for our daughter, Lamb Chop but has taken a different turn, one that I think should be addressed (we'll cover Lamb Chop another day). That turn in the emotion that is felt after giving birth. As an infertile I have dreamed about becoming a mom for years. However, given the stress involved in getting pregnant, the drugs pumped into your body for months, the sadness of losing other children and fear of losing this one take some of the joy out of the experience. The whole process also becomes a science experiment, not just the rainbows and flowers that it should be. As a result, the bonding that maybe should have happened during pregnancy didn't happened because of the fear of another loss. I was happy the day my daughter was born but a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. It's the feeling of "is this really happening" "did we really make it here" and "can I do this" that flooded over me. The first two weeks I was afraid to sleep because I was afraid something would happen to Lamb Chop. I fell nicely into the role of nurturer and my body seemed to know exactly what to do to show her love and how to care for her but on the inside I still felt detached. I had a few breakdowns late at night. Last week when I was left alone with Lamb Chop for a few hours I started crying hysterically as soon as I was alone. I called my best friend who also struggled to get pregnant and has twins that are a year old. She told me that she had the same feelings after she gave birth and made the same phone call to someone who had kids during the first month. The person she called also had gone through the same thing. My friend as well as another friend of mine who gave birth in August both went on meds to help with their depression. While I haven't/didn't get to that point it made me feel like I wasn't so alone

That is really the point of this entry. It's not to complain but rather to assure people who may be going through the same thing to know they are not alone. The feelings of fear, despair and depression are normal. Think of the drugs you have been putting in your body over the last 10 months combined with the pregnancy hormones. We are bound to go a little nuts.
I am sorry if those who are still ttc are offended by this entry. Had I read it a year ago after my ectopic pregnancy and D&C I probably would have been too. But hopefully when you do finally get to the end of the road you and if you are feeling depressed, unattached or overwhelmed, you will think back to this and know you aren't alone but rather you are normal.