The other side of the story

Over the last for years, 3 pregnancies, countless attempts to get pregnant and finally having a pregnancy that stuck, my husband and I have called our unborn child/children/attempted children Attachie. It started innocently enough when we first started trying to conceive and he would talk to my stomach and tell the egg and sperm to attach to my uterus. The name stuck to the point that I still call our daughter Attachie half the time or that's what I think of her in my head. My husband said that it still fits her now because we are attached to her now. Something we didn't really let happen throughout the pregnancy and in my case the 1st month of her life as I was still scared that something would happen. Stupid I know but I think that others in the IF world know what I am talking about. The bonding has finally happened, thankfully and I can't remember a time without her.


This post was suppose to talk about our new nickname for our daughter, Lamb Chop but has taken a different turn, one that I think should be addressed (we'll cover Lamb Chop another day). That turn in the emotion that is felt after giving birth. As an infertile I have dreamed about becoming a mom for years. However, given the stress involved in getting pregnant, the drugs pumped into your body for months, the sadness of losing other children and fear of losing this one take some of the joy out of the experience. The whole process also becomes a science experiment, not just the rainbows and flowers that it should be. As a result, the bonding that maybe should have happened during pregnancy didn't happened because of the fear of another loss. I was happy the day my daughter was born but a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. It's the feeling of "is this really happening" "did we really make it here" and "can I do this" that flooded over me. The first two weeks I was afraid to sleep because I was afraid something would happen to Lamb Chop. I fell nicely into the role of nurturer and my body seemed to know exactly what to do to show her love and how to care for her but on the inside I still felt detached. I had a few breakdowns late at night. Last week when I was left alone with Lamb Chop for a few hours I started crying hysterically as soon as I was alone. I called my best friend who also struggled to get pregnant and has twins that are a year old. She told me that she had the same feelings after she gave birth and made the same phone call to someone who had kids during the first month. The person she called also had gone through the same thing. My friend as well as another friend of mine who gave birth in August both went on meds to help with their depression. While I haven't/didn't get to that point it made me feel like I wasn't so alone

That is really the point of this entry. It's not to complain but rather to assure people who may be going through the same thing to know they are not alone. The feelings of fear, despair and depression are normal. Think of the drugs you have been putting in your body over the last 10 months combined with the pregnancy hormones. We are bound to go a little nuts.
I am sorry if those who are still ttc are offended by this entry. Had I read it a year ago after my ectopic pregnancy and D&C I probably would have been too. But hopefully when you do finally get to the end of the road you and if you are feeling depressed, unattached or overwhelmed, you will think back to this and know you aren't alone but rather you are normal.