I know that I am not a good blogger.  I’m not good at keeping up with my daughters journal either.  It’s not that I don’t care.  I have written many entries in both (in my head) that have never made it to the page.  However, I do check up on you every week or so and feel your joy, trepidation and pain. 

Last January we started trying to go through IVF again.  It has been 13 months now and no baby or pregnancy yet.  Of those 13 months, we have tried in each of them to go through IVF but have only managed to make it through 3 unsuccessful cycles (with drugs and natural cycle).  What about the other 10 you ask?  CYSTS.  Yes that’s right, persistent, large ovarian cysts.  I thought today was finally my day but no, 2 large cysts on my left ovary are there.  So, it’s birth control for a month to see if we can get them to go away.  Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe my emotion right now.  I know that I really shouldn’t be bitching here as I always want to read people who are positive which is one of the reason I haven't written much about the lack of success we have had this year but I just needed to get it out. 

BFN

Unfortunately we got a BFN result on Saturday.  We were out at lunch with my daughter and a few few friends and their kids and my daughters Godfather.  Her Godfather is also going through IVF and got a positive result a few days earlier with a low beta and had been getting it checked every day.  It was 6, 16, 25 and she was waiting for the call from her doctor.  She came back to the table so excited because it had increased to 36.  I was very happy for her (but a little concerned abut the low beta).  Then about 20 minutes later, my dreadful call came.  The good news is that I was able to pig up my beautiful daughter again, something I hadn't done during the 2ww and it felt amazing.  I am trying to stay busy and not get too worked up though it is hard.  The doctor wants to try a natural cycle IVF next time.  We will take a month off and then start up again.  Better luck next time, right?

Back on the IVF train

Yes, I am a very bad blogger.  I am happy to see that many of the people I followed before are doing so well. 

My daughter is doing great, she will be 2 on the 16th.  Where does the time go?  She is such a joy.  I am very blessed to have her in our lives.

We have been trying since January to get pregnant.  I have consistently had cyst on both ovaries (1-3 inches) and it kept being put off.  We did go through with IVF in April and got negative results.  I had surgery the following month to let my doctor check things out again and she didn't see any problems.  She thought there might be scar tissue from the C Section or the myloma I had taken out after my daughters birth (a story for another day).

We are currently trying again.  I am 10 days past a 3 day transfer and go in for my blood test tomorrow.  My eggs have gone dramatically downhill in the last 2 years and I know longer have excellent eggs but failing ones.  We were able to get 10 last time, 5 fertilized but only one was good enough to transfer at day 3 (8 cell fractured).  Our fingers are crossed but we'll just wait and see.  In the meantime I'm going to continue to hold onto hope and count my blessings for my little girl.  I know how lucky I am.

Happy Valentine's Day...Happy Meet Your Mommy Day!!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day or as I like to now refer to it as Meet Your Mommy Day.  It was one year ago yesterday that Lambchop made her way from the petri dish to my uterus (well half uterus).  I am so thankful for the last year, while it had it's ups and downs the end result was wonderful.  It was also four years ago yesterday that we found out my first pregnancy was a blighted ovum and not viable.  We had a D&C on the 16th of Feb. which is also going to be the 4 month birthday of our little girl.  We now have something to celebrate on those days.  What a blessing!

Sleeping

The last few days I swear Lamb Chop has grown up, not just grown.  She can put her self to sleep with out crying. I no longer have to hold her until she is in a deep sleep then put her in her bed.  This shaves so much time off my middle of the night feedings.  She also watches her mobile intently, plays by herself and looks deeply into your eyes.  She is adorable.

We also went to the doctor today for our 6 week check up.  She is doing well.  She's now 9lb 11 oz and 21.2 inches long.  Both these measurements are a little below the normal on the chart but her BMI is way over average.  It's so strange that this little girl who wasn't on the charts for anything when she was born is now not only pushing her way onto them but is going to the upper extremes on one.

Every day is getting better and better as well.  I love to see her grow, change and ger more interactive.  I can't wait to see what the next couple of weeks bring.

What a difference a year makes

I am so thankful this year.  I can't believe how far we have come since last Thanksgiving.  Words cannot express all that I am thankful for.  Even though we aren't in the States for Thanksgiving this year, we are having a mini, mock celebration with my husband, mom and Lamb Chop. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  I hope you have a great one.

Lamb Chop

Here is a picture of Lamb Chop at one week old.  Notice the side burns that go all the way down her cheeks and that there is no distinguishable line between her eyebrow and hair line.  Not only that but the poor kid has some hair on her cheek, back, legs etc.  Some of it is falling out, there is now a little space between her eyebrow and hair line but the other day my mom was changing her diaper and the light caught her leg just right and you could see all the hair.  How young is too young for laser hair removal?  Just kidding, no need to call Social Services.  Despite being hairy, she's a beautiful baby.  In my opinion the most beautiful but I am a little biased.  Still can't believe she came from us.  I also can't believe how different she looks from this picture.  What a difference a month makes!

The other side of the story

Over the last for years, 3 pregnancies, countless attempts to get pregnant and finally having a pregnancy that stuck, my husband and I have called our unborn child/children/attempted children Attachie. It started innocently enough when we first started trying to conceive and he would talk to my stomach and tell the egg and sperm to attach to my uterus. The name stuck to the point that I still call our daughter Attachie half the time or that's what I think of her in my head. My husband said that it still fits her now because we are attached to her now. Something we didn't really let happen throughout the pregnancy and in my case the 1st month of her life as I was still scared that something would happen. Stupid I know but I think that others in the IF world know what I am talking about. The bonding has finally happened, thankfully and I can't remember a time without her.


This post was suppose to talk about our new nickname for our daughter, Lamb Chop but has taken a different turn, one that I think should be addressed (we'll cover Lamb Chop another day). That turn in the emotion that is felt after giving birth. As an infertile I have dreamed about becoming a mom for years. However, given the stress involved in getting pregnant, the drugs pumped into your body for months, the sadness of losing other children and fear of losing this one take some of the joy out of the experience. The whole process also becomes a science experiment, not just the rainbows and flowers that it should be. As a result, the bonding that maybe should have happened during pregnancy didn't happened because of the fear of another loss. I was happy the day my daughter was born but a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. It's the feeling of "is this really happening" "did we really make it here" and "can I do this" that flooded over me. The first two weeks I was afraid to sleep because I was afraid something would happen to Lamb Chop. I fell nicely into the role of nurturer and my body seemed to know exactly what to do to show her love and how to care for her but on the inside I still felt detached. I had a few breakdowns late at night. Last week when I was left alone with Lamb Chop for a few hours I started crying hysterically as soon as I was alone. I called my best friend who also struggled to get pregnant and has twins that are a year old. She told me that she had the same feelings after she gave birth and made the same phone call to someone who had kids during the first month. The person she called also had gone through the same thing. My friend as well as another friend of mine who gave birth in August both went on meds to help with their depression. While I haven't/didn't get to that point it made me feel like I wasn't so alone

That is really the point of this entry. It's not to complain but rather to assure people who may be going through the same thing to know they are not alone. The feelings of fear, despair and depression are normal. Think of the drugs you have been putting in your body over the last 10 months combined with the pregnancy hormones. We are bound to go a little nuts.
I am sorry if those who are still ttc are offended by this entry. Had I read it a year ago after my ectopic pregnancy and D&C I probably would have been too. But hopefully when you do finally get to the end of the road you and if you are feeling depressed, unattached or overwhelmed, you will think back to this and know you aren't alone but rather you are normal.

Growing like a weed

Today is our daughter's 1 month birthday. While she started out small, she is now on the growth charts and gained 2 pounds and 1 inch in 2 weeks.  While this might sound excessive, our dr. assures us she is fine.  Her BMI is still ok and even on the low side.  She is now 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.25 inches.  Her 1 month check up today went great. 

So many things to catch up on here but I can't seem to find the time.  I don't know how people blog everyday with a baby.  I'm exhausted and my mom is here to help me.  Now I am sitting here typing with Lambchop (I'll explain the name in the next post)  curled up on the Bobby, graddling my boob and occasionally smiling.  What a precious angel.  I'm going to go enjoy these smiles some more.  Hope those of you who are still waiting for precious moments like this get there soon.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers. 

2 week birthday

Today is our little one's two week birthday. These two weeks have flown by but gone so slowly as well. It is hard to remember by big belly now. When I look down now I just see a little jiggly mess. I have lost about 15 pounds by now. The problem is I have no idea how much weight I actually put on. It was about 30 pounds from the time we first started fertility treatments until I gave birth but there were surgeries, pregnancies, etopic pregnancies and lots of fertility meds in those 14 months. I stopped getting on the scale. That's the small stuff though. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

All in all, things have been going well. We passed our hearing test, went out to dinner twice, went to the airport to pick up my dad (he's here for a week) and changed lots of diapers. Please tell me how something so small, that is breast fed can have so much poop and how it can be chunky.

Breastfeeding is going well. We occasionally take a few minutes to latch on but once were there were ready to go. I am very lucky. She doesn't cry much, only when she is hungry or needs to be changed or cold after taking a bath. Speaking of diapers and changing, she has a bad habit of peeing while you are changing her. I can't tell you how many outfits, diapers we have gone through. If you save the diaper, you get pee on the outfit and vice versa. If that's the worst of it then we are in good shape.

My dad came the other day for a week. It is so good to have him here. It's also nice for my mom to see him since she is here for 3 months and has been missing him.

I know that they say a baby can't smile but I swear she smiles at us all the time. It's the best thing ever, well besides watching my husband dote on her. That's priceless.

It's a...

It's a girl!!!  I am so happy, her daddy wanted a girl so bad and seeing the two of them together is the best site in the world.  The love and pride on his face brings tears to my eyes every time. 

She was born Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 9am and weighs 5 lbs 2.8 ounces and is 17.9 inches long.  She is so tiny, her little butt looks like two adult thumbs put together and her toes like little toothpicks.  She is doing well, no problems at all.  We both went home from the hospital after 3 days and are trying to get into a routine. 

Her dad and I are over the moon.  I will share more about the labor and delivery etc later.  It's feeding time again.  Thanks for all the well wishes. 

Saturday is the day

We got word that Saturday is the day.  At 8am our time which is 1am Saturday for all the East Coasters.  So many quick updates for today.

• We had our final CGT test today and everything looked fine. 
• We also did some blood work, not really sure why but oh well, what's one more needle stick. 
• I also found out that 2 of my favorite nurses are working tomorrow which is great. 
• The anaesthesiologist also assured me that it is ok to do an epidural with the rod in my back. 
• The nursury is full today so I am very happy we didn't have the baby today.   It was too crazy in there.  There are babies coming out of the woodwork.  Hopefully tomorrow will be calmer.  Plus, it gave me an extra day to prepare mentally.
• The pediatrician is set to come tomorrow for the delivery.
• Last but not least, we've taken care of the cord blood registration.

All in all I think we are almost ready.  Hoping for at least a 5 pounder.  Next time I post, I'll be a mom.  How crazy is that?

C Section here we come...

Went to the doctor on Monday and again today.  On Monday, the best guess was that the baby weighed 2300 grams.  Today it was only  2200 or below the 5th percentile for it's age.  The doctor on Monday said she wanted to do a C Section on Friday or Monday.  I wanted to wait until Monday, in the hopes that I could actually go into labor naturally since she won't induce.  We did a cervical check on Monday and apparently my cervix was high, closed and thick.  Today, we didn't even do a cervix check because she could clearly see the baby's entire face which she said meant it wasn't in the down position.  Now she wants to do the C Section tomorrow or Saturday depending on her schedule.  I'm waiting for her call.  I'm praying for Saturday.  I need another day to wrap my head around this.  I know I've been waiting forever but it seems like everything is happening so fast.  I'll keep you posted. 

36 week update

Throughout this pregnancy, I have set milestones for myself, dates to get past when the baby would be viable, healthy etc.  I remember hoping that we’d get past our anniversary on August 19^th, then my best friend’s kids birthdays on September 6^th, my mom arriving a few days later.  I thought it would be cool to have the baby on 10-10-10 but never thought that would be possible.  That would mean we made it to 36 weeks 5 days.  No possible way.  My doctor was hoping to get us to 32 weeks.  Well, here we are, that beautiful date has arrived and the bun is still in the oven and is not coming out today.  I know that should be a good thing but for the last 6 weeks my doctor keeps telling me that if we can make it 1 or 2 more weeks, they will go ahead and take the baby.  She said I would not under any circumstances go past 36 weeks, then it was 37 weeks, last visit it was 38 weeks.  For being so cramped in there with half a uterus, this little one doesn’t want to join the world.  We did the steroid shots a month ago to get the lungs ready, now are just waiting for it to put on weight.  It’s only in the 5 percentile for weight, sometimes 10 is the doctor stretches the measurements.  Maybe it knows that its mother is a little freaked out by this whole thing.  I mean you try so long to get pregnant, put your body through so much to get to this point but for some reason I can’t wrap my mind around being a mom.  Stupid I know.  The first time I got pregnant, I felt such a connection to the child, a child that wasn’t even there but for that month that I thought there was a baby inside me, not just an empty sac, I felt so connected.  When I had to have a D&C I was devastated and it took me so long to get over it.  The second time I was pregnant, I didn’t let myself get attached, I was too scared.  The same goes for this pregnancy.  I’ve kept my distance emotionally out of fear that something will go wrong.  I hate that.  I feel bad about it, like I have been or am robbing myself from this beautiful experience but I am just scared.  I know that for having a unicorn uterus, I have done exceptionally well and am lucky but until I see a healthy baby I will unfortunately remain sceptical.  Am I crazy, maybe or maybe people who suffer miscarriages and fertility problems all fact these fears.

Another doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  Hope it goes well. 

The Countdown Begins

34 Weeks today.  We went to the doctor yesterday and somehow I had lost 2.5 pounds but the baby gained 5 ounces.  It is still super small though, less than 4 pounds.  I don't know how I lost weight, I've been eating and I think I'm retaining water because my finges are HUGE!  The doctor said that if I don't have the baby within the next 3 weeks naturally they will do a C section and take it at that point.  No induction here, apparently the baby is too small and it's too tramatic for it.  Also, if I do go into labor naturally unless it is a quick labor, they will do a C Section.  I have to admit I am bummed.  I have never wanted a C Section.  I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I had Scoliosis surgery when I was 12 and I don't think I can have an epidural.  Well, my surgeon told me I couldn't but my OBGYN told me it may be possible.  This means they may have to put me under completely for the birth.  How bad does that suck?  I've waited so long for this, I want to watch the baby be born or be pulled out of me.  Yes, I'm that wierd person who wants to witness the birth up close and personal.  Oh well, I shouldn't complain, I know I am blessed to be at this stage. 

The only thing on the agenda is to try to eat more, rest, get the house in order and hopefully get the baby's stuff together.  My mom and I have been washing clothes today and trying to organize.  The crib should be delivered within the next week.  The sooner the better.

33 weeks

We are 33 weeks pregnant today.  To say I can't believe we have made it this far would be an understatement.  I am so grateful. 

My mom arrived last Thursday and she and I are now relaxing at the beach.  Our last doctor's appointments have gone well, the baby is really small but other than that we are both fine.  I took two streroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop in case I go into labor soon.  I'm also on heavy duty medicine to keep my contractions in check.  Last night this little one was going crazy.  It was very uncomfortable  but after it's last soccer match at about 4am, it decided to take a rest and get some sleep.  Today it's back to a normal amount of activity.

Back to the doctor on Monday for another update.  Fingers are crossed he/she doesn't arrive before then.

On another note, we finally picked out and ordered our crib and mattress.  We just need to pay for it and have it delivered when I get back in town.  This is a relief as it has been a little trying to pick one out.  They don't have big showrooms here like they do at Babies R Us to look at so we are actually buying something we have only seen out of a catalogue.  Hopefully it will be ok.  The best thing is that we don't have to wait for it.  We thought it would take a month to get it but they have it in stock.

Hormones and memory

I think that I have done a good job keeping my hormones in check during this pregnancy.  I know someone else who is pregnant and her husband constantly says that she is a bear to live with.  Everytime I get off the phone with him, I ask my husband if I'm like that and he assures me I'm not.  I have had my episodes of fits but  can usually get them under control quickly or I just go into bed and cry it out.  But, like many of the bad parts of pregnancy, you forget about them.  Well last night I had a crying episode over something so stupid.  I think I mentioned before that we rented a house at the beach for the summer about an hour away from our house and have been going every weekend.  Well, for some reason, when I'm there I always leave the water in the kitchen on.  Sometimes I even check it and swear that it's off only to hear my husband calling my name a few minutes later to tell me it is on.  It's never happend at our house, until last night.  My husband was taking a shower and as usual, I had to go to the bathroom and couldn't wait for him to finish.  Because it had been a whole 20 minutes since I last went and heaven forbid I wait more 20 minutes.  I washed my hands when I was done and left.  A few minutes later I hear my husband calling my name, I left the water on again which he saw when he got out of the shower.  He was a little irritated because it made his shower super hot and he couldnt figure out what was going on.  I went to check because I was certain I had turned it off but sure enough, the water was running.  I turned it off and went back t the kitchen only to break down in a crying fit.  I couldn't help myself.  It was so stupid but my hormones got the best of me.  I just can't stand being so dumb and forgetfull alll the time.  It's such an effort to remember things.   Thankfully, my husband helped me quickly laugh at myself.  My doctor said that pregnant women have the memory of a goldfish.  Even better, she said that I should get better after I give birth but may not be back to normal.  Really?  I need my memory back!!  This is so annoying.

My mom is coming...

My mom is coming tomorrow night to stay and help me out.  She will be here for 3 months and I can't wait.  It will be so nice to have one of my family members here to help out and to see me pregnant.  I haven't seen her in almost a year (she came last November when I had the etopic pregnancy). It's been 16 months since I've seen my dad, brother, nieces and other friends at home.  Sometimes it is hard living so far from home.  But, I have a great doctor here, I don't think I would have gotten better care at home and we went to the beach every weekend this summer which was awesome.  Mom and I are headed there on Friday until we have to come back to the city for a doctor's appointment.

Had an appointment the fancy ultrasound doctor yesterday and it looks like the little one is not growing as rapidly as it should.  He said we are only in the 5% for weight and length.  Only 3.3 pounds.   According to my doctor two weeks ago we were in the 46%.  Either we are running out of room or someone measured wrong.  We go back to our doctor on Friday and hopefully we will get to do another ultrasound and get new measurements.

No More Work!

Tuesday was my last day at work.  The good news, I am officially off unitl the baby comes and them some after that.  The bad news, I'm not eligible for maternity leave pay from the gov. here b/c I didn't work for 6 months (or rather my employer didn't contribute to Social Security for 6 months last year).  I'm a little freaked out b/c that means I won't get paid while I am off work but I am trying to do some stuff at home to make a little money.  I would have gotten paid or partially paid for 18 weeks if everything was fine with Social Insurance.  Sometimes I hate being a foreigner!

Other news, the crib we want is not in stock.  Actually it doesn't seem like they have many cribs here ready to sell.  They have a handful of models to look at, then you just go to the catalogue.  We're going to order it next week, it should be here at the end of October.  We just have to figure out where the little one will sleep before the crib arrives. 

Dreams

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. Well mini dreams I should say since I don’t sleep long at all. They are either about people from my childhood who have had children recently. I might add that these people grew up in the same small town as I did but are about 5 – 8 years younger than me and I haven’t talked to them in years. I still keep in touch with their parents and know about their lives through their parents, my parents or Facebook. Stupid dreams about them being parents now. Nothing significant happents. I don’t even think I have any interaction with them in the dreams or that I am actually part of the dream, it’s more like I am a fly on the wall. The other thing I dream about is the books I am reading. As I said, I don’t sleep much and I fall asleep reading my book about 5 different times a night. I dream of the characters in the book and make up the next part of the story. Then I wake up and have to read on to find out what is really going on.

I must say that both types of dreams are driving me nuts. I just want one peaceful night of uninterrupted blissful sleep. I guess this baby is trying to prepare me for what life will be like when he/she comes out.