The other side of the story

Over the last for years, 3 pregnancies, countless attempts to get pregnant and finally having a pregnancy that stuck, my husband and I have called our unborn child/children/attempted children Attachie. It started innocently enough when we first started trying to conceive and he would talk to my stomach and tell the egg and sperm to attach to my uterus. The name stuck to the point that I still call our daughter Attachie half the time or that's what I think of her in my head. My husband said that it still fits her now because we are attached to her now. Something we didn't really let happen throughout the pregnancy and in my case the 1st month of her life as I was still scared that something would happen. Stupid I know but I think that others in the IF world know what I am talking about. The bonding has finally happened, thankfully and I can't remember a time without her.


This post was suppose to talk about our new nickname for our daughter, Lamb Chop but has taken a different turn, one that I think should be addressed (we'll cover Lamb Chop another day). That turn in the emotion that is felt after giving birth. As an infertile I have dreamed about becoming a mom for years. However, given the stress involved in getting pregnant, the drugs pumped into your body for months, the sadness of losing other children and fear of losing this one take some of the joy out of the experience. The whole process also becomes a science experiment, not just the rainbows and flowers that it should be. As a result, the bonding that maybe should have happened during pregnancy didn't happened because of the fear of another loss. I was happy the day my daughter was born but a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. It's the feeling of "is this really happening" "did we really make it here" and "can I do this" that flooded over me. The first two weeks I was afraid to sleep because I was afraid something would happen to Lamb Chop. I fell nicely into the role of nurturer and my body seemed to know exactly what to do to show her love and how to care for her but on the inside I still felt detached. I had a few breakdowns late at night. Last week when I was left alone with Lamb Chop for a few hours I started crying hysterically as soon as I was alone. I called my best friend who also struggled to get pregnant and has twins that are a year old. She told me that she had the same feelings after she gave birth and made the same phone call to someone who had kids during the first month. The person she called also had gone through the same thing. My friend as well as another friend of mine who gave birth in August both went on meds to help with their depression. While I haven't/didn't get to that point it made me feel like I wasn't so alone

That is really the point of this entry. It's not to complain but rather to assure people who may be going through the same thing to know they are not alone. The feelings of fear, despair and depression are normal. Think of the drugs you have been putting in your body over the last 10 months combined with the pregnancy hormones. We are bound to go a little nuts.
I am sorry if those who are still ttc are offended by this entry. Had I read it a year ago after my ectopic pregnancy and D&C I probably would have been too. But hopefully when you do finally get to the end of the road you and if you are feeling depressed, unattached or overwhelmed, you will think back to this and know you aren't alone but rather you are normal.

Growing like a weed

Today is our daughter's 1 month birthday. While she started out small, she is now on the growth charts and gained 2 pounds and 1 inch in 2 weeks.  While this might sound excessive, our dr. assures us she is fine.  Her BMI is still ok and even on the low side.  She is now 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.25 inches.  Her 1 month check up today went great. 

So many things to catch up on here but I can't seem to find the time.  I don't know how people blog everyday with a baby.  I'm exhausted and my mom is here to help me.  Now I am sitting here typing with Lambchop (I'll explain the name in the next post)  curled up on the Bobby, graddling my boob and occasionally smiling.  What a precious angel.  I'm going to go enjoy these smiles some more.  Hope those of you who are still waiting for precious moments like this get there soon.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers. 

2 week birthday

Today is our little one's two week birthday. These two weeks have flown by but gone so slowly as well. It is hard to remember by big belly now. When I look down now I just see a little jiggly mess. I have lost about 15 pounds by now. The problem is I have no idea how much weight I actually put on. It was about 30 pounds from the time we first started fertility treatments until I gave birth but there were surgeries, pregnancies, etopic pregnancies and lots of fertility meds in those 14 months. I stopped getting on the scale. That's the small stuff though. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

All in all, things have been going well. We passed our hearing test, went out to dinner twice, went to the airport to pick up my dad (he's here for a week) and changed lots of diapers. Please tell me how something so small, that is breast fed can have so much poop and how it can be chunky.

Breastfeeding is going well. We occasionally take a few minutes to latch on but once were there were ready to go. I am very lucky. She doesn't cry much, only when she is hungry or needs to be changed or cold after taking a bath. Speaking of diapers and changing, she has a bad habit of peeing while you are changing her. I can't tell you how many outfits, diapers we have gone through. If you save the diaper, you get pee on the outfit and vice versa. If that's the worst of it then we are in good shape.

My dad came the other day for a week. It is so good to have him here. It's also nice for my mom to see him since she is here for 3 months and has been missing him.

I know that they say a baby can't smile but I swear she smiles at us all the time. It's the best thing ever, well besides watching my husband dote on her. That's priceless.

It's a...

It's a girl!!!  I am so happy, her daddy wanted a girl so bad and seeing the two of them together is the best site in the world.  The love and pride on his face brings tears to my eyes every time. 

She was born Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 9am and weighs 5 lbs 2.8 ounces and is 17.9 inches long.  She is so tiny, her little butt looks like two adult thumbs put together and her toes like little toothpicks.  She is doing well, no problems at all.  We both went home from the hospital after 3 days and are trying to get into a routine. 

Her dad and I are over the moon.  I will share more about the labor and delivery etc later.  It's feeding time again.  Thanks for all the well wishes. 

Saturday is the day

We got word that Saturday is the day.  At 8am our time which is 1am Saturday for all the East Coasters.  So many quick updates for today.

• We had our final CGT test today and everything looked fine. 
• We also did some blood work, not really sure why but oh well, what's one more needle stick. 
• I also found out that 2 of my favorite nurses are working tomorrow which is great. 
• The anaesthesiologist also assured me that it is ok to do an epidural with the rod in my back. 
• The nursury is full today so I am very happy we didn't have the baby today.   It was too crazy in there.  There are babies coming out of the woodwork.  Hopefully tomorrow will be calmer.  Plus, it gave me an extra day to prepare mentally.
• The pediatrician is set to come tomorrow for the delivery.
• Last but not least, we've taken care of the cord blood registration.

All in all I think we are almost ready.  Hoping for at least a 5 pounder.  Next time I post, I'll be a mom.  How crazy is that?

C Section here we come...

Went to the doctor on Monday and again today.  On Monday, the best guess was that the baby weighed 2300 grams.  Today it was only  2200 or below the 5th percentile for it's age.  The doctor on Monday said she wanted to do a C Section on Friday or Monday.  I wanted to wait until Monday, in the hopes that I could actually go into labor naturally since she won't induce.  We did a cervical check on Monday and apparently my cervix was high, closed and thick.  Today, we didn't even do a cervix check because she could clearly see the baby's entire face which she said meant it wasn't in the down position.  Now she wants to do the C Section tomorrow or Saturday depending on her schedule.  I'm waiting for her call.  I'm praying for Saturday.  I need another day to wrap my head around this.  I know I've been waiting forever but it seems like everything is happening so fast.  I'll keep you posted. 

36 week update

Throughout this pregnancy, I have set milestones for myself, dates to get past when the baby would be viable, healthy etc.  I remember hoping that we’d get past our anniversary on August 19^th, then my best friend’s kids birthdays on September 6^th, my mom arriving a few days later.  I thought it would be cool to have the baby on 10-10-10 but never thought that would be possible.  That would mean we made it to 36 weeks 5 days.  No possible way.  My doctor was hoping to get us to 32 weeks.  Well, here we are, that beautiful date has arrived and the bun is still in the oven and is not coming out today.  I know that should be a good thing but for the last 6 weeks my doctor keeps telling me that if we can make it 1 or 2 more weeks, they will go ahead and take the baby.  She said I would not under any circumstances go past 36 weeks, then it was 37 weeks, last visit it was 38 weeks.  For being so cramped in there with half a uterus, this little one doesn’t want to join the world.  We did the steroid shots a month ago to get the lungs ready, now are just waiting for it to put on weight.  It’s only in the 5 percentile for weight, sometimes 10 is the doctor stretches the measurements.  Maybe it knows that its mother is a little freaked out by this whole thing.  I mean you try so long to get pregnant, put your body through so much to get to this point but for some reason I can’t wrap my mind around being a mom.  Stupid I know.  The first time I got pregnant, I felt such a connection to the child, a child that wasn’t even there but for that month that I thought there was a baby inside me, not just an empty sac, I felt so connected.  When I had to have a D&C I was devastated and it took me so long to get over it.  The second time I was pregnant, I didn’t let myself get attached, I was too scared.  The same goes for this pregnancy.  I’ve kept my distance emotionally out of fear that something will go wrong.  I hate that.  I feel bad about it, like I have been or am robbing myself from this beautiful experience but I am just scared.  I know that for having a unicorn uterus, I have done exceptionally well and am lucky but until I see a healthy baby I will unfortunately remain sceptical.  Am I crazy, maybe or maybe people who suffer miscarriages and fertility problems all fact these fears.

Another doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  Hope it goes well.