The Green Eyed Monster

I am a little embarrassed to admit this but I think getting it off my chest will make me feel better. Hopefully if others feel the same way, they will know they aren’t alone.

My brother has 2 children, a 7 year old from a girlfriend who would become his wife for a short time. And a 2 year old that he conceived less than two months after getting married. His second wife has wanted another child for awhile but my brother has been content. As I have been going through my infertility test and treatments I have secretly hoped that she wouldn’t become pregnant until I did. I didn’t think I could handle it. Apparently my brother has gotten all of the fertile genes in the family and my parents were all out when they made me. I know that’s stupid but I feel that way sometimes. He’s one of those people who says, let’s have a kid and bam 9 months later one pops out. Or in the case of his first, doesn’t wear protection and has the same result.

My brother called last week and I jokingly said something about him having another kid. He replied that his wife wanted one so sooner or later she would get it. I said not to wait too long, he’s not getting any younger (he’ll be 39 in Dec). So, Wednesday I called my sister in law for her birthday to find out that she is 7 ½ weeks pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for her but I am jealous. She’s on vacation, she got to fly there, she’s still having the occasional cocktail and living life as normal. The only medicine she’s on is prenatal vitamins, I’m on a cocktail of 49 pills a day and this is a drastic decrease from what it was 2 weeks ago (that will be another blog). Might I also add that my brother travels all the time for work and is only home for a few nights a week so it’s not like they are home trying a lot. Once again, the fertile member of the family strikes again.
When we went to the dr. at about 10 weeks, my husband asked “So, she’ll be out of the woods after 12 weeks right” and the dr. laughed and said, she’ll never be out of the woods. My lovely unicorn uterus doesn’t afford me the luxury to every settle into this pregnancy and be confident that it will result in a baby. I feel sort of robbed of that joy. I can’t travel back to the States to see my family or for anywhere for that matter, there is already talk of bed rest starting in 3 weeks, I still check the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom (which is quite often) to make sure nothing is there and have been banned from sex and any type of exercise for my entire pregnancy. My best friend who went through multiple failed IUIs before conceiving twins with IVF told me yesterday that she had the same feeling so maybe it’s an infertility thing compounded by my unicorn uterus.
I don’t want to be jealous but I am. I wish that at 7 ½ weeks I just assumed that everything would be fine and I’d have a healthy baby. I wish I felt like that at 19 ½ weeks. Instead I worry about another miscarriage, preterm labor and the rest of it.

So if you are an infertile like me and still find yourself jealous of those people who can get pregnant at the blink of an eye and not worry about their pregnancy, know you are not alone.  You can keep telling the green eyed monster to hit the road but I don't think it will every completly go away.